It’s been a really fucking long and painful road for me where relationships are concerned, and when I say I’m ready to settle down, I don’t mean that it’s time to give up on my ways and start a family, though that’s half true, what it means is that I’m ready to stop treating relationships like stopgaps for my bleeding heart, and treat them as they deserve to be, with the utmost respect and care. Towards this end, while with Zoe in Tainan and visiting one of the many temples dedicated to the Goddesses of love, I placed a red line of string around my hand, and Zoe tied it off, though she was clearly not thrilled at the idea.
Setting a prayer stone (Money) into the receptacle and making the mental and emotional commitment to the ritual, we took our leave of the temple, though it would follow us and me for long after. More on that, much, muuuuccchhh later… Funnily enough I tugged at the string, and it nearly fell off, Zoe chided me, and I told her to fasten it better to assure destiny has a fair shake of it. She didn’t understand that, but then who does?
We had lunch inside a tiny hole in the wall business which was smaller than a shipping container but served meals of such high quality, both taste, presentation and materials, that I could do nothing but shake my head in wonder. So many people are convinced they need a massive operation with tons of capital and support to make things works, and here on the other side of the world, on an island which has been fighting a war for recognition and sovereignty for over 80 years, I’m totally amazed at what one couple have accomplished in 150 square feet of floor space. The desert was so good I made the picture of it my phones screen saver. (And it still is even today in August of 2026)
We went to a bunch of museums on Taiwanese history and culture, I learned a lot I never knew, that’s the thing about museums, so much history consolidated into a single point, and yet so few people interested. Sure, the place isn’t empty, but in Alexander the greats vision for the world before the sickness of empire took him, every citizen would live two lives, one in public, and one in private, yet both with libraries as their fulcrum point. How far are we from that today? When was the last time you checked into a library? Much less did so and lost track of time inside a tome?
Not that I’m defending Mr. Alexander, what exactly was his last name again? Surely not great... Ohh right, they didn’t have last names back then. Wait, things were so different in the past that most people cannot and will not bother imagining it? Yup. That’s where we are. The past is not dead, nor is it alive, it is the receipt for the present no one cares to audit, and not much else save an impulse, a heavy suggestion on what should come next. Yet we are able to break from that mold whenever we wish, it is only ones Will which prevents or ensures it. And what, pray tell, is your Will, dear reader? What is it aimed towards? Do you even know? The question alone, once asked, brings about a certainty of its own, for it is the first act of setting your internal compass.
Exiting the museum we got U-bikes and rode across the city to the beach where a massive festival was taking place. Now, I’ve been around a lot of Asia people, and I’ve never seen them party like this before, it was like a scene from Leonardo Dicaprio’s The Beach, only at scale, jet skis, motorcycles and bunny costume stage performers included.
Passing by all the stands and hawkers we finally made it to a relatively empty stretch of beach where Zoe began playing a unique type of instrument the size of a wafer which you blow over with your mouth and it vibrates, producing something between a flute and a harmonica. It was like a dream. Such a strange melody mixing with a scene I had not seen or been a part of since 2007 when I partied on an Island in South Korea with my University there, a beach filled with Asians, and a handful of token foreigners, only this time I was thee token white guy among a sea of Taiwanese.
“Aren’t you going in?” She said, stopping her music.
“Ehh, I don’t want to have to dry off.”
“Are you serious?” she said, looking at me like a stranger and worse, like a bitch. My face scrunched and my feet took purchase of the sand.
“No.” I said and ran into the ocean. Nothing gets a man’s juices pumping more than a woman asking him if he’s scared. When Zoe and I were lovers back before the end of the world in 2012 I was a madman incarnate. That was the man she last knew, and that was the man I’ve been making peace with ever since. How do we juggle all the various versions of ourselves when each one suited so well at one time, and with certain people? Only to find that we are neither that version or the one we are currently, but something else altogether.
We left the beach on our U-bikes and returned them before going to a bar in midtown. It was there that Zoe had some alcohol and I was tempted but refrained. It’s been 5 years now since I walked away from the bottle, and when Zoe and I were together it had only been two years since I started partying, so I was in the thick of it then. Instead of going backwards I decided to ghost myself into the same state without any substances. Mind controlling myself into drunkenness. Zoe didn’t like that; she thought I was making fun of her. But how else can one see the truth without a blatant example?
When we got back to the hostel Zoe came to me in the middle of the night, her body shaking with the chills. She could not feel her own heartbeat and asked me to check. I did. Placing my head against her bare back and kissing her forehead to check her temperature as my mother had always done. That was... not a good idea. As innocent and diligent as it was… Suddenly we were lovers again in the before time, but it was only a blip, I told her she was alive and well and gave her a hug, we sat in the kitchen a few minutes then went back to bed, returning to dreams which once were, just like us...
The next morning, we departed Hainan to Taichung, the city Zoe and Mili, her boyfriend, live and work in. On the bus I was laughing hard at social posts I was listening to on my headset, Zoe hushed me, and I got the same medicine I gave the man days before. That put me straight. Once there we met with Mili, he and I went on a walk around the city together to get the food. It was on this walk that Mili asked me about my relationship with Zoe.
“Did she tell you we were once lovers?” I asked.
“No. She’s told me nothing. Is that normal for her?”
“Yes.”
“I see. Do you...?”
“No, I have no aims with Zoe.” He relaxed. “And you? Is it serious between you?”
“I can’t tell. She’s so hard to read.” I nodded, knowingly.
I’ve been with a lot of lovers in my day, in both good times and bad, and in the old days I did so as a snake in the grass between them, whispering of eternal life and of challenging God in his own house... Thankfully those dark days are behind me. We made dinner and watched “Open your eyes.” The Spanish precursor to Vanilla Sky, which I really enjoyed, right after we watched season 7 ep 7 of Black Mirror, and boy am I glad I don’t watch T.V. anymore, this stuff is sick as hell! We went to bed in a strange pool of energies, but sleep came fast, thanks to the tiredness of the long Goddess march still hanging on.
The next morning Mili gave me a hug and thanks me before going to work. Zoe and I were left alone to have a very frank conversation about what happened over the last few days as well going over what happened over a decade ago between us, what a recap! What a gift so few get... We rode U-bikes through the city together until reaching the bus depot, we hugged and thanked each other, then I watched her ride off into the city, vanishing in a sea of people, one people, united by a common destiny, a common love…